“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or pride,
but let us each put the needs of others over our own needs and desires.”
Philippians 2:3
Over the last quarter of 2016, God was stirring in my heart the need to focus on my marriage. Let it be known that we were not / are not struggling. In fact, after almost 26 years, I would dare say we are just as strong and close as ever! But with so many marriages turning into failed statistics, I had this burning desire to find ways to protect my marriage, to guard it, and to find ways to love and honor my husband in a deeper way. I wanted desperately to take measures to ensure our marriage endures the test of time.
You see, in 2017, we will officially become empty-nesters. Amber will be graduating from college and likely moving to North Carolina. Jacob will graduate from high school, move out, and start college. It will be just the two of us around here, day in and day out. I’ve heard that one of the highest divorce rates take place when the kids are raised and move out of the house. The parents no longer find that they have anything in common, because the ‘kids’ were the common bond. With us moving into that phase of life, I wanted to be sure that statistic didn’t hit our home.
So as my thoughts intensified about our marriage, I began to scheme about Frank’s Christmas gift. Frank is a minimalizer. He doesn’t like me to spend money on him, and he doesn’t even like to exchange cards. But I knew just what to do for his Christmas gift...
We spent Christmas on Whidbey Island with family, off the coast of Puget Sound in the state of Washington. On Christmas morning, for whatever reason, the kids didn’t come down to breakfast with us at the hotel. It was just the two of us, and it was the perfect time to share with him about my “gift” for him. So I poured out my heart about wanting to focus on our marriage in the coming year, and together we made what we called “The Whidbey Island Covenant”: to proclaim 2017 “The Year of our Marriage.” I won’t go into all the details of that covenant, but one of them was to plan at least one event each quarter to focus on strengthening our marriage. And we have just completed the first of those weekends!
Frank did tons of research to find an affordable and applicable “marriage retreat” for us. When he was pastoring in Ohio, we used to teach an incredible course on Marriage Intimacy; in fact, we even led marriage retreats. So we didn’t want to pay a lot of money to go hear someone speak on “marriage fluff”. (By that, I mean principles that we already have in place and practice regularly,…“common knowledge” principles of marriage.) Instead, we wanted to find something that would be “just what we needed”. And that is exactly what he found!
Whether you think you need to re-focus your marriage or not, I strongly recommend you consider this exact thing. It doesn’t have to be fancy. We went to a local hotel, only because we were able to get a really great travel agent rate. You can plan something like this without going anywhere. (Quite honestly, I would have preferred my temperpedic over a lumpy hotel bed!) We had dinner out on Friday and watched a movie. Then on Saturday morning, we downloaded a series from Family Life called “I Still Do.” It consisted of four 45 minute sessions by top-notch speakers. The download was only about $20, and it even came with discussion questions for each section. We mixed up the weekend with eating out, shopping, playing games, watching the videos & doing the discussion questions. Overall, it was an incredible weekend of renewing our commitment to love each other for better or worse. (I highly recommend this series from Family Life! Just click on the I Still Do to learn more!)
I Corinthians 10:12 warns “Therefore, let anyone who thinks he stands take heed, lest he fall.” You see, I’m not sharing this because I want everyone to know how strong my marriage is or how awesome my spouse is. The moment we think our marriage is on solid ground is the moment the enemy attacks. And the enemy, well he uses some pretty sneaky things to divide marriages. He uses the lust of the eyes and the pride of life. He uses our own children to divide us. He finds ways to have us blame our spouses for anything and everything. But the one thing I took away from the weekend, the one thing that is solidified even more in my mind is that marriages do not crumble when both spouses have a right relationship with God. A right relationship with God not only means putting Him first, but it also means not having yourself as the top ranking officer. Living a self-less life is not easy. It’s a daily struggle and decision to place “him” (my spouse) as more of a priority than “me”. It’s a daily choice to decide that I don’t have to be “right”; I don’t have to “win”, and I don’t have to have my way.
No, I don’t share this to brag in any way, shape, or form. I share this because too often, I hear of friends who have separated. Friends who are getting divorced. Irreconcilable differences. Affairs. Pornography destroying marriages. Secret lives. One spouse left as the victim of the other pursuing their selfish desires. It breaks my heart to hear of another marriage broken.
In the opening session from “I STILL DO”, Pastor Alistair Begg shared a story that is often repeated during the marriage counseling sessions he conducts. It goes something like this: One spouse is complaining about the other, saying she doesn’t do this anymore, and she does that, and I mean, just look at her! – …and she doesn’t support me, and …(insert your own gripe about your spouse.)
Then Pastor Begg will say, “So you’re telling me it’s worse?”
To which the spouse replies, “YES!” It’s worse! So much worse!
And Pastor Begg, in his awesome Scottish accent simply says, “Well, isn’t that what you signed up for? For better or worse?”
(Insert time standing still while you chew on the reality of that comment!)
Regardless of your personal faith, I would venture to say if you are married or have been married in the past, you said your marriage vows in the presence of witnesses and before God. We promised to stick with our spouse for better or worse.
One day, it will turn “worse”. It is inevitable. We get older; we get plumper; we are just not as attractive as we once were. Our spouse hurts us. We have financial issues. Our kids have special needs. Life is just stinkin’ hard, and it’s easier to take the frustrations of life out on our spouse than it is to figure out a way to work through the problems.
But you know what? Yes, there will be a day when “worse” will come. But “better” can be just around the corner. Just because it’s “worse” now doesn’t mean it will stay that way or progress further downhill. We promised to love selflessly, through the good & bad; sickness & in health, as long as we are alive.
I probably wrote down 50 different Bible verses this week for practical living in my marriage. But the one that sticks with me…the one that I believe is really key to success in marriage is Philippians 2:3: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or pride, but let us each put the needs of others over our own needs and desires.” This weekend was such a good reminder of how easy it is to put myself first and how important it is to make sure that doesn't happen.
I close with this final thing…
A few years ago, after hearing of yet another casualty in our church, my friend Jennifer Davis & I wrote the song below. May we never consider our marriages disposable, and may we always choose to fight for our family; selflessly; putting others before ourselves.
Verse One
One by one, they're falling apart.
Marriages ending. Broken hearts.
They made it this long for the kids.
But they're all grown, so it's time to quit.
They promised to love through thick and thin
But somehow the outlook changed to grim.
It's over. There's no love anymore.
Pack your bags. There's the door.
Chorus
You've got to fight for your family.
Quit fighting for yourself.
Selfless living. Be forgiving.
Don't you know true love is never ending?
It's time to take a stand.
And fight with all your might...for your family.
Verse Two
He picked up the phone but just couldn’t dial.
She sat there wishing they could talk for a while.
Regret sank in as time slipped by.
Was he too late? Was it really goodbye?
He knew he’d been selfish. It was time to admit
All the ways he’d hurt her before calling it quits.
“Can we meet tonight?” he cried on the phone
“God’s been working on me. I want to come home.”
Tag
We live our lives throwing daggers and knives
Disposable husbands. Disposable wives.
But imagine the changes that God will do
If others are considered better than you.
Chorus
You've got to fight for your family.
Quit fighting for yourself.
Selfless Living. Be forgiving.
Don't you know true love is never ending?
It's time to take a stand.
And fight with all your might...for your family.
Pray with me, will you? Pray for the families you know that are struggling? Pray they won't give up? Fight for them in your very own war room / prayer room. If you are struggling, please tell me. I want to pray for you. Don't give up when it's "worse"...it can get better, but it takes two people putting God first to make it happen. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23
-- Beth Banfill
www.GodandMe2theMax.com