"God chose me before the foundations of the world..." Ephesians 1:4
Inadequate. Have you ever felt that way? If you’re a girl,more than likely you have. Such feelings tend to hit girls more than guys, and it’s something I grew up believing to be truth about myself. Not because my parents didn’t love me, believe in me, and give me every opportunity to have those feelings of positive self-worth. No, not at all. In fact, my dad was my biggest fan. I can remember hearing him always brag on me to my relatives about “this or that” all the time. But there were other events in my life that affected me so negatively that despite my parents best efforts, I grew up not believing in myself. It wasn’t even a battle that I struggled with – it was truth I believed.
Looking back, it was as if I was invisible. I went through the motions of life, but no one recognized "the real me” inside. In fact, out of my graduating class of 12 (yes, it was a small Christian school!) I was the only person not listed in the yearbook as “Most likely to…” In truth, I at least thought I would make it as the “Class Clown” – quick wit has always been one of my assets, thanks to my dad. But no, several people were named to several categories, but when it was all said and done, I was the only one not named to anything. I was invisible, and I believed I was in inadequate. Some may have pegged me as such; others never pegged me at all.
Then I met my husband. When we started dating, he spoke truth into my life. He told me all the reasons I was worthy. He told me all the reasons God says I’m worthy. He pointed out my successes; ones I had shoved under the rug as a “fluke.” In truth, he taught me to re-program the way I thought about myself. Most of my friends who have known me only as an adult would never believe how I used to struggle with self-worth.
Over the last few weeks, some things have happened that have brought my emotional state of mind right back to where I was before meeting my husband. I’ve had some situations with friends that have left me feeling crushed, stepped-on, worthless, inadequate, and even invisible. When we are at our weakest, that’s when the enemy attacks, and that’s exactly what he a few weeks ago - with a vengeance. The first part of that week was especially bad, as I played and replayed in my head the situations that had occurred. I questioned friendships. I questioned motives. I questioned me. I questioned God. My heart hurt.
On one hand, I knew the truth – what God says about me. But I somehow couldn’t connect the truth in my mind with my emotions and the pain I was feeling in my heart. I spent about a week of my quiet time just praying, trying to refresh in the Lord. I’ve been reading a book called “Captivating” by John & Stasi Eldredge – it’s the female version of “Wild at Heart.” I highly recommend it, but actually, it only exacerbated some of those feelings that had surfaced. I’m usually a quick reader, but some of the things in this book hit nerves that ran so deep that I literally could only absorb a few pages at a time. God has really convicted me that if unhealthy thoughts are present, they need to be dealt with and turned over to Him.
The other thing God is showing me is that I need to be more transparent. Sometimes we put on our "happy face” and don’t let others see the pain inside. On the flip side, sometimes we’re so busy in our own world that we don’t stop to take time to care about the people around us. I wonder how many of my friends feel invisible and inadequate…and I’ve never even taken the time to notice. I wonder how many people I consider “friends” don’t even consider me the same because I don’t show it in my actions, because I don’t notice or take time to care about them.
Jesus says in John 8:32 says “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Contextually, the verse is speaking about salvation. But I have been claiming this verse in relation to unhealthy thoughts and feelings, too.
Think of it this way. About 4 years ago, I went for my annual physical. I had been losing weight, and at the time of the appointment, I weighed less than the year before. I was proud of myself, and I wasn’t expecting my doctor’s next words. “If you don’t lose weight, it’s not a matter of if you’re going to have a heart attack, it’s a matter of when.”
Do you know what that did to me emotionally? I went to the van, and I literally cried myself into a tailspin. I gave up on losing weight and figured it wasn’t worth it if that was the response I received from my doctor. Eventually, I gained back almost everything I had lost.
“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The BIble also says in Isaiah 1 "Come let us reason together." As I reflect on that incident with my doctor, now I can think clearly without the emotional impact of the situation; I can reason out the truth. The truth was that there is no heart disease anywhere in my family. The truth was that my blood pressure has always been very low, probably averaging 105 over 70. The truth was that my cholesterol was only slightly elevated. My weight, well, ok, I’ll give her that one as truth – I was overweight. But do you think it was truth that a heart attack was eminent? I don’t think so….at least not yet, anyway.
It’s the same thing with the unhealthy emotions I have been dealing with. I have to use the reasoning side of my brain and separate emotion from fact. By God’s grace, I know the truth, I have claimed it once again, and the truth has set me free. The devil may try to convince me otherwise down the road, but for now, I’m claiming victory.
I know there are other friends who are struggling with self-worth, and hopefully by my transparency, God can encourage you. Too often we put a mask on and just let others see the smiles. One of my
favorite verses is in Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpens iron.” Friends, let’s sharpen each other, but in order to do so, we have to let others know the real “you” inside.
Look for those people in your life that may feel invisible. Sometimes they can hide it really well. Take time to dig a little deeper into their lives instead of staying on the surface. Make time for them. You have no idea how God can use you to make a difference.
There’s a snake in my garden
That slithers near me again
To rouse pain deep within
Wounds suppressed years before. Forgotten.
And it’s speaking so softly,
“You’ll never be worthy.”
Those words, how they haunt me.
“You’re nothing and you always will be.”
Then the whispers get louder
It hisses, and I cower.
Immobile. No power.
To refute this rattle in my ear.
At a crisis of belief
Lies crafted to deceive
Pierce through and steal my peace.
As venom taints this fragile bloodstream.
Then I read in God’s love note
While searching for the antidote
He chose me – that’s truth you know
And the snake, he just seeks to devour.
Prince of deceit, no one can tame.
With spewing lies and careful aim.
He attacks with darts of shame.
But my Shield – He will win in the end.
There’s a snake in my garden
That slithers near me again
To rouse pain deep within
Wounds suppressed years before. Forgotten.
--- Beth Banfill
www.GodandMe2theMax.com