Matthew 18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over."
{This story is used with permission from my husband Frank, so if you know him, please don't take offense.}
On a recent family vacation, my fourteen year old daughter Amber heard some other teenagers at the hotel pool trash-talking my husband and I. Specifically, she heard one of them say something about "the fat guy in the hot tub." Now, there were only two people in the hot tub - Frank and I. I'm certainly no dude, so the only logical target of the trash talking was Frank. As a side note, in case you do not know my husband, the mental image that one would concoct of "a fat guy in the hot tub" is not a fair assessment.
Now, we had no idea what was being said, but Amber did, and she felt the need to do something about it. Upon hearing them bash her dad, the protective assertive daughter that we have reared kicked in. She swam over to them and very calmly and directly said, "That 'fat guy' in the hot tub -- yeah, well, that's my dad, and he's actually pretty cool."
Can you imagine the look on the girls faces when Amber confronted them? First of all, they had no clue that the "fat guy in the hot tub's" daughter was just a few feet away. They also probably never imagined a teenager would actually defend a parent, let alone praise them. Needless to say, the trash talking stopped...immediately. Amber wasn't nasty, she was just firm, honest, and direct.
Now, certainly Amber's confrontation of those girls in the pool is not an example of Biblical confrontation, nor is it an example of what the verse for this week is specifically talking about. Amber could have easily just ignored the problem and not been disobeying the instructions Jesus gives us in the verse. Matthew 18:15 is talking specifically about what Christians should do when other Christians have offended them. However, the concept is similar.
Confrontation. For most people, it's not easy. What is easy is ignoring a problem, sweeping it under the rug, or running from it. Unfortunately, churches are filled with transfer members. These are people who got upset at their church and instead of trying to resolve the issues, they just left in search of a "better" one. Having been in the ministry most of my adult life, unfortunately, I know countless of these Christians.
For me, confrontation comes rather easy. I've told my friends many times that if I'm upset or offended by something, they will hear it from me first. When my relationships go awry, whether with family or friends, I can't sleep. I hash things over in my brain until I'm nearly sick. I need to resolve matters so life can move on for me. That's how I'm wired. However, this strength of confrontation for me also comes with a weakness. I often have such an urgent need to resolve issues that sometimes I do not always choose the appropriate times to get things settled. My weak area isn't in the confrontation; it's in the timing of the confronting.
Let's break the verse down in more detail...
If your brother sins against you...
Jesus specifically tells us that confrontation should take place when we personally are involved.
go and show him his fault...
This is the tough part. No one is perfect. We are human. It's so easy to be offended by another's comments or words or to offend someone with ours. If confrontation is necessary, remember Philippians 2:3. It's a great companion verse to memorize when dealing with relationship issues. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than themselves." We must have the right heart attitude and ask God for help when it comes to actually confronting the situation. Remember, "the tongue has the power of life and death." (Proverbs 18:21)
Just between the two of you.
Friends "sharing" with friends is one of the most dangerous things in today's churches. In plain English, most of the time it's just gossip - and sin. If you need a sounding board, it's best to talk to someone completely removed from the situation who doesn't even know the parties involved. But, Jesus specifically says to work it out one-on-one.
If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
Aside from contrary belief, confrontation is not something to dread. When confronting in a Biblical way, with the right heart attitude, and speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), it can be a beautiful thing. I have personally witnessed my damaged relationships be restored by taking care of things the way God would want me to. Sometimes it has taken years after I've confronted situations before the relationship has been restored. Still, some others never get back to the point that they were before the conflict, but those are few and far between.
On the flip side of confronting someone who has offended you, sometimes it's me who is being confronted because of my loose lips. Ouch! That's even tougher to handle. It's never easy to hear something negative about myself. But sometimes the truth hurts, and I just have to face it. I have to pray for an open mind. Acknowledge the truth. Ask for forgiveness. Learn from my mistakes. Choose to love. And choose to move on.
Obedience is what God expects from us. The verse is not a suggestion. It's a conditional command. Jesus says, If your brother sins against you, go." If you read through the rest of this passage, it's clear that the instructions Jesus gives are for in the context of the church, Christian to Christian, and it also includes church discipline.
Today I've personally had to face the truth about a relationship I hold dear. I've had to admit how I've been wrong and hurt someone I love. But because I've not shoved it under the rug or ignored the situation, because I've dealt with it the way God would want me to, I believe the relationship is now back on the path of restoration and growth.
So next time you hear "fat guy in the hot tub" (or anything that digs deep) -- deal with it in a Godly way. That's one expression that will never be forgotten in my family!
---Beth Banfill
www.GodandMe2theMax.com